this is going to be one of the last posts about eleanor. it seems that its getting nowhere. whatever im thinking, doing. memories will still creep in into my mind. slowly, and then affecting whatever i do.



i found out something.


i guess, i've been thinking alott about her due to the fact that we once talked about marriage. i had my "dreams". the perfect place, the venue, and even the honeymoon and shit.


all the fantasies lingers in me until this day.

it didnt hit me until today. when i watched some programme called "i propose". it got me into this state where all i could think of was being with her. having this romantic set-up with champaign, and rose petals surrounding us. small, square, pink pillows for our seats. we had a pinic at some place really fancy. it was then when i proposed. POOF! my dreams were shattered. it was and will never be possible.

its all just fantasies isnt it?


after that, i didnt realised it til then. i've been thinking so much about her all because the big dreams and plans are nailed into me. i just gotta find a way to release it all. so i gave myself negative thoughts. i tried thinking about how it would turn out a failure. she rejects and runs away. it made me stop for awhile but, still it didnt cure most of the hurt inside me.


justin once told me "see lah, i told you alr. shouldnt be so satanic. otherwise, wont like that"

i admit i am a little satanic. if not, more than the people in our school so far. but not more than marc ashley. but hey! im known as "Satanic boy" by some people. hahaha. its kinda funny when they call me that. i might seem satanic ans stuff, but i still attend church. And its the christian chuch mind you. not the Church of Satan. well, i would say im forced to go there. i hate going to that place. especially some guy whose's like damn guai lan. but, im not going to elaborate more on him.


eleanor did say she wanted to break because there wasnt any feelings. no more feelings as in? why wasnt there? i wanna ask her. but i'll definitely get some reply saying, "no comments." if not, "idk." or maybe "i dont feel like talking about it or saying it".

if i could do anything just to get her back. lets say, participate actively in church or sing loudly during chapel. I'll do it. unless there's anything gotta do with death. or whatever. No. but im not really sure. firstly cos, all these things i say, some of it, are like in heat of the moment. who knows, tommorrow i might not really care. and secondly, if and i mean IF i ever (which is like never) get her back. i still might get a little regrets. cos she does click well with guys, and im going to get jealous again. and then.. ... ... you know what happens next.

last time, when i saw her with guys, i get jealous easily. its just me i guess. i even got really angry that i held cherisses' hand during a play and just didnt let go. she could do that, so can i. but i found out, it was really saddening knowing your boyfriend is sorta like two-timing you.

i hated myself for that.


so far, in all of my relationships (i had 3). eleanor is the only one that has made me teared the most, spend money on the most, giving "time" the most, being jealous the most, being happy the most, etc. i've never had that much "... ...." i dont know how to decribe it but. She's just perfect! all i ever wanted in a girlfriend.


but sad to say that its all over. i really miss her hell loads. heh. and i still dont feel like telling her all these. she's going to ignore me or something when i tell her that i still like her. "LOVE" her actually. and even after i tell her all these. it's never going to bring us back tgt. from her perspective, i can tell that the feelings are dead. its all curshed becuase of what i've done after we broke.

i know she can never forgive me for that. so i guess, its never possible between us two anymore. but still, i'll be waiting.


secretly... ...

-THE END-