wont be using this blog anymore, changed to http://darknesssurrondsusatnight.blogspot.com/.
please update your links too! :D THANKYOU! :D

Greetings fellow friends! TODAY IS THA BOMB!

started school with many birthday wishes for me(: like a HAPPY!
then we had classess and i enjoyed them.

AND THEN THERE WAS ENGLISH.

OOOOOOOOOOOHH LOVED IT ALOTT! :DDD
i got my birthday "cake" and my present. Also received a letter from sumay and eleanor!
i was really happy. didnt know how to show it. i wanted to cry. tried not to.
and eleanor! im really sorry... even though you asked me not to drink.
guess what, im holding a bottle of vodka cruiser. and my dad bought me 3!

THANKYOU DADDY! :DDD


mmmm... pineapple. im going to share one with Jermaine! tommorrow. at the rooftop? LOL!
its not decided yet. YAY! Thankyou soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much everyone who made this day extremely special! LOVE YOU GUYS TO THE MAX!

i specially like to thank MY WHOLE FAMILY WHO CELEBRATED WITH ME TODAY!
i specially like to thank, Eleanor, Sumay, Calvin, Zayne AND SHAUN!
i also love to thank, Hilary, GORILLA YUNNEH!!!! and cherisse.
i'd like to thank drama also!

TEEHEEXD! yunneh gave me a hugg for my present. and i dare say. you're a good hugger yknow?! really really really good hugg. the best like so far! REALLY!


yeah. LOVE YOU GUYS ALOTT! THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!!
:DDDDDDD

Rejection sucks. i believe everyone agrees.


just a couple of nights back, i couldnt stop. tears were coming out at lightning speed and there was alot. even to fil 1/3-1/2 of a coke can. seriously serial. just so sad. that night i couldnt wait anymore, i just asked her. well, it beats getting rejected on my birthday. that'll be total sadness.


and heavy drinking. well, im still going to drink. hope i dont get too drunk til i cant even wake up the next day. dont wanna be late for school or miss it. so i guess, half a bottle's enough?
maybe just a little more.

and thankyou kimberley for giving me the cake during recess, even though it was greg's cake. so touched too that some people can remember. HAHAHA!

i was sad during chinese. particularly cos i acted like a jackass during chapel when that faggot pastor from some church gave a speech on music. and you should definitely know what are the genres he'd be talking about.

i was supposed to quit metal. which i did. never listened to any songs so far. seriously serial again. and now, i cant listen to non-metals ones either. apparently, SOMEONE stole my memory card. IF I FUCKING FIND OUT ITS YOU! THERE'S NO PROBLEM THAT HELL WILL BREAK LOOOSE. WATCH OUT!


nothing left to say. one more night til i get drunk and high!

until then, toodles!

I guess its almost time i tell eleanor i still like her. just another 3more days to go..
i hope she doesnt reject or anything. if not, it'll be heavy drinking for me.
sometimes i say things and dont mean it.
but when i say im drinking.
im drinking.






well, anyways. whatever. thats going to be the future. lets not care much about it. who knows, i might die tommorrow anyways.

blehcxz, i stopped "habbo" to talk to eleanor and in the end, she go tee-vee):

its okayy. we gotta sacrifice things for our loved ones. even if you've broken up. and you still have feelings while you're unsure about the other party. fuck it lah. my mom's telling me about not going back for her.



FUCK! she means alott to me why you dont want me to be with her. i can even say i love her(:
but, she's 1) going to reject 2) not replying 3) ignore me in school.




FUCKFUCKFUCK!~ really really angry now.

this is going to be one of the last posts about eleanor. it seems that its getting nowhere. whatever im thinking, doing. memories will still creep in into my mind. slowly, and then affecting whatever i do.



i found out something.


i guess, i've been thinking alott about her due to the fact that we once talked about marriage. i had my "dreams". the perfect place, the venue, and even the honeymoon and shit.


all the fantasies lingers in me until this day.

it didnt hit me until today. when i watched some programme called "i propose". it got me into this state where all i could think of was being with her. having this romantic set-up with champaign, and rose petals surrounding us. small, square, pink pillows for our seats. we had a pinic at some place really fancy. it was then when i proposed. POOF! my dreams were shattered. it was and will never be possible.

its all just fantasies isnt it?


after that, i didnt realised it til then. i've been thinking so much about her all because the big dreams and plans are nailed into me. i just gotta find a way to release it all. so i gave myself negative thoughts. i tried thinking about how it would turn out a failure. she rejects and runs away. it made me stop for awhile but, still it didnt cure most of the hurt inside me.


justin once told me "see lah, i told you alr. shouldnt be so satanic. otherwise, wont like that"

i admit i am a little satanic. if not, more than the people in our school so far. but not more than marc ashley. but hey! im known as "Satanic boy" by some people. hahaha. its kinda funny when they call me that. i might seem satanic ans stuff, but i still attend church. And its the christian chuch mind you. not the Church of Satan. well, i would say im forced to go there. i hate going to that place. especially some guy whose's like damn guai lan. but, im not going to elaborate more on him.


eleanor did say she wanted to break because there wasnt any feelings. no more feelings as in? why wasnt there? i wanna ask her. but i'll definitely get some reply saying, "no comments." if not, "idk." or maybe "i dont feel like talking about it or saying it".

if i could do anything just to get her back. lets say, participate actively in church or sing loudly during chapel. I'll do it. unless there's anything gotta do with death. or whatever. No. but im not really sure. firstly cos, all these things i say, some of it, are like in heat of the moment. who knows, tommorrow i might not really care. and secondly, if and i mean IF i ever (which is like never) get her back. i still might get a little regrets. cos she does click well with guys, and im going to get jealous again. and then.. ... ... you know what happens next.

last time, when i saw her with guys, i get jealous easily. its just me i guess. i even got really angry that i held cherisses' hand during a play and just didnt let go. she could do that, so can i. but i found out, it was really saddening knowing your boyfriend is sorta like two-timing you.

i hated myself for that.


so far, in all of my relationships (i had 3). eleanor is the only one that has made me teared the most, spend money on the most, giving "time" the most, being jealous the most, being happy the most, etc. i've never had that much "... ...." i dont know how to decribe it but. She's just perfect! all i ever wanted in a girlfriend.


but sad to say that its all over. i really miss her hell loads. heh. and i still dont feel like telling her all these. she's going to ignore me or something when i tell her that i still like her. "LOVE" her actually. and even after i tell her all these. it's never going to bring us back tgt. from her perspective, i can tell that the feelings are dead. its all curshed becuase of what i've done after we broke.

i know she can never forgive me for that. so i guess, its never possible between us two anymore. but still, i'll be waiting.


secretly... ...

-THE END-

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!


today is superr-dee-duperr-ree-FUN!

there was the fairfield funfair thingy.


The day started with me oversleeping. it was like 5.55am when my alarm woke me. then i just turned it off cos i knew my mom would wake me up. but it turned out that she didnt. my bro had to report to school at 3pm so she didnt wake me and because of that i slept until 7.04am. i woke up cos my bro was writing some shit and he turned on the lights. so it kinda woke me up.


then, i was like "what time is it" and i found out it was SEVEN. so i jumped out of bed and quickly got changed and bathed. i skipped lunch and took a bus to school. then i ran to the food stall and helped. i carried the otah and did some other stuff also.

then we walked about the whole area. we went to the primary school side and slacked there. and i took a video of justin doing some "surfing" thingy. and it was just plain, utterly FUNNY!

we couldnt stop laughing.

then we went to the games stall and watched other people play. it was like a cfm no one will win anything.
and it turned out that darius kept winning like a maddness. we were like going to lose money if he continued. good thing he stopped.



then we walked about somemore. we were like spending our tickets on mainly food stuff.

then me and justin went for some archery game thing. it was like a not bad for me cos i got alot of arrows in the yellow circle. WHICH IS GOOD!


then we did some other stuff. and then grace came! hahaha so long never see her. like a 2 years alr.

but one thing's still the same. she hasnt grown taller. then we went to the track for a game of truth or dare. it was fucking retarded. grace will suqeeze our fingers tgt which really hurts like fucking alott! at first, it didnt hurt. then suddenly she maddness and crush my finer bones! so fucking pain. but i forgive her. hahaha. like a crush only.

then after that the rest of my time spend with her. we wanted to look for shaun and wenhui but they were like nowhere-to-be-found. so we just walk about the whole place. spend time tgt as friends nia okay. many bloody fags keep saying "eh, gordon! girlfriend ah?!" like a no lor. Ex-classmate what. aand like a so long never see, so i treat like VIP lor. i treat her to a drink, nachos and let her sit on a chair leh:D hahaha like a nice right me?

then we ended it all with a "the final supper" it was like cotton candy, i had mine with sprinkles. it was like no diff at all. tasted the same. then we finish alr then we kept each other's stick thingy for the cotton candy as mermorial of FRIENDSHIP! hahaha. i still have it now. i washed mine. im so sorry too grace, i wanted to pin in on my collar, and the top part kinda snapped. SORRY!!! hahaha.


then i me up with shaun, calvin, eleanor and zayne and we went to the scary mary maze crap. to me, it was fun. but total bullshit. BUT STILL! i enjoyed it hell loads. first of all, it wsnt scary. all i did was laugh my ass off when i saw the "ghosts" which they claim to haunt the classroom. secondly, WTF eh, i never hurt them and some bitch whore or whatever scratched me and gave me some mark there. FUCKING!

then when we came out, we were all laughing like a maddness. that was one of the most funnest things i ever did so far!

then we helped the class pack up the stuff and went home. then i used "grace", the stick and stabbed some leaves on my way home.

and one of the most funnest days so far ended liike that. :DDD

-THE END-

My new found cure, weeping.

These past nights, i've been pondering over the same issues. Eleanor!
I know its over. But, i never asked for the break-up. It really shocked me when she suddenly said that.

Since then, i was angry and dissapointed. Dissapointed in myself. Why do i fail in one of the most simplest tasks. Keeping a relationship going. I was really low then. I dont recall having much mood when attending drama. I talked to Hilary alot.

Since then i've never forgotten all my memories with her. Even though i claim to, the feelings and thoughts still remained. I tried forgetting it all by giving a lame excuse which was about me giving cherisse a chance to start a relationship with me. It was actually just to make me forget about eleanor. its supposed to be a secret. well, this is private. hahaha

but after we broke, i realised that running from the past and hiding it all wont work. It'll only come back to haunt you. That's when i've realised. What have i been doing all this time? Face it. The more you run away. the more it'll come back.

I weeped. These couple of nights, what i did to help me sleep is to weep. I've recently found out, i miss eleanor. I didnt wanna tell her my "problems" were actually her. I want us to be together again. but after what i did. would she say yes? and thats what i've been thinking of. If i ever were to ask her its definitely going to be NO. How i wish i could turn back time. Then i would have Shut my mouth up. I dont think she'll wanna be with me because of that too.

She might think that i'll badmouth her again. MY LIFE IS SO FUCKED UP! Maybe perhaps a miracle? Will that being us together? "There can be miracles, when you belive." Theres not such things as ghosts. would miracles even exists?

I got so sad, i decided to write whatever happened into a story. I've finished 2 chapters. working on the 3rd one tmr. its getting lousier and lousier.

Thats just me. "LOUSY"!

i miss eleanor. i know its impossible. even the slightest miracle might not help. behind my fake smiles are silent cries.